you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize
