my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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