I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Drunk is not a location!
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
