you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
