My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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