Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
