my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
