I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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