Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
