I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
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