she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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