i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
