i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
