she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I enjoy the company of your penis
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
