Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
