So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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