You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
