Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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