I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Randomize
