I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
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