I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
