I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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