I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Randomize
