Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Randomize
