so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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