he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
