Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
