Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
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