You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
