It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Randomize
