don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
