It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
