Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
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