I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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