I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Randomize
