just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
