I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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