did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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