I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Randomize
