A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
