It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
