I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
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