I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
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