If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
