Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Randomize
