I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
