i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
