Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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