the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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