Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I still have a little drunk in my system
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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